The Placebo Effect
by Stigmatized
Summary: Hard to explain... Rei looking back on things. KaixRei shounen ai (what else do you expect from me?)


Title: The Placebo Effect

Author: Stigmatized

Disclaimer: Are Kai and Rei together in the show? No? Well then, I don't own it.

A/N: Well, yet _another_ POV fic from me. I've just noticed how bloody many of them I write! ^_^ It's beginning to piss me off a little, actually… but eh. I enjoy it and that's what this place is all about, ne? Well, this is Rei's POV (another common thing from me) and it's… well, it's kinda hard to describe…

WARNINGS: Yaoi/ Shounen-ai-- Kai/Rei, bad language. Don't like, don't read. Thank you.

***

You've heard of the Placebo effect, I'm sure. You must have... the newest medical phenomenon, curing people without giving them real medicine-- the power of belief, of hoping really. I used to think it would work. I used to think that if I believed hard enough, something would come out of it. I tried for countless years, the days melding together seamlessly as I tried.

I used to think that if I tried hard enough to love her... that I would be able to. That would have meant that I could have stopped lying to her. All those times when we were laying in each other's arms, sweaty and panting, she would tell me she loved me. I uttered back the same words, but the syllables were empty of emotion. She believed me, so I guess that theory worked for her. I couldn't, though. I just couldn't love her. All of the empty words, the meaningless gifts, the love making... every time it just left me feeling as if a part of myself was missing. I can't really call it that, can I? Love making. We couldn't make love, simply because I wasn't in love. I couldn't call it anything else in front of her, though. Sex? Too crude for her seemingly perfect world. Fucking? Gods no, if I even swore in front of her, she would blow up in my face. _How can you talk like that, Rei? You'll influence the children!_ Every time I heard that speech, I thought to myself, _what children?_ We were seventeen and she was already planning for a family! 

This state of mind began to take control of my life. Around every corner I wondered if I would meet the person I would love; words were programmed into me automatically: Yes dear; I love you, too; no, your butt doesn't look big in that. Meaningless things like that were so important to her. I couldn't understand her, but not in the mysterious enigmatic way-- in the way that makes you want to yell at her to shut up. Men were so much easier to understand. 

It crept up on me one night when I was lying in bed, her sleeping form next to me. Men are so much easier to understand. That thought kept circling my mind, popping up in different parts of my memory. At that moment, I wouldn't have noticed the fact at that moment if it had started dancing naked in front of me wearing a sign. I shrugged it off easily as sleep washed over me at last.

The next morning I flew to Tokyo for the start of the tournament season. Thoughts from the night before kept popping up in my head at the most random moments. I spent more time just staring into space than watching the others battle. At least I thought that was what I was doing until Kai shot me a glare. I snapped out of my daze and realised that I had been staring straight at him.

"Rei, sharpen up." I blinked slowly and nodded, looking away from the blue headed boy to a tree a few meters away. I saw a small nest on a large branch: a few small birds sitting, chirping with their beaks wide open and a mother feeding the chicks. That was what Mariah wanted, and just then I realised how much I _didn't_. I glanced away and back to the battle currently going on. Tyson versus Kai, and Kai was winning. The determination on his face was incredible, the way his brow creased slightly, the way the muscles on his back contracted, his tight shirt showing off the well-sculpted figure. That was when it hit me full force in the stomach. _That_ was why I couldn't love Mariah, because I was already in love with Kai. I felt my eyes widen and heard myself let out a small cry, but none of it registered. I was gay. Since when had I been gay? I had a steady girlfriend, but that didn't really matter. I was gay and in love with Kai. When had my life got so messed up?

After that interesting revelation, I withdrew from the world while Kai was around, scared that I'd blurt out my feelings suddenly and embarrass myself. I still had a girlfriend, after all. Communications to my hometown were still pretty limited. The others saw this too, I noticed. I saw all of the worried glances they shot each other when I started gazing out of the window, trying desperately to avoid visual contact with Kai. 

Then, when I was sitting in my room one night, scribbling half-heartedly on a piece of paper while consulting myself over how to get all of my jumbled thoughts into the open, when there was a knock on the door. I got up and walked over, opening the door my breath caught in my throat. He was standing in the doorframe with an aggravated look on his face and his arms crossed.

"Get inside Rei." I blinked in surprise but moved out of the way while he walked swiftly into the room and sat down on the bed, crossing his legs.

"What's up, Kai?" I asked in my most nonchalant tone, but still unable to keep a slight tremor from my voice. His eyes snapped up to mine and my heart jumped.

"We've noticed a few things different about you lately, Rei, and the others elected me to come talk to you." My guard dropped for a moment, nearly causing me to fall over.

"What? Nothing's wrong! Why would you say that?" I sounded like a nervous idiot. Kai sighed and stood up, walking closer to me. He stopped when he was about four inches from me.

"Drop the act Rei." My eyes widened as he brought a hand up to cup my cheek. I gulped, glancing up to see his crimson eyes swirling.

"Kai..." I trailed off as he placed a finger on my lips. Shaking his head, he leaned forward and rested his forehead on mine.

"Rei, tell me what's wrong. Please?" I tried to talk, but I couldn't manage it. My throat felt dry and sore. All I could force up was croaked nonsense. Why was he acting like this? Did he know how I felt? Was he mocking me? Was he trying to make me even more confused than I already was?

"Nothing's wrong Kai." I couldn't bear to raise my voice above a whisper, my eyes never leaving his. He frowned, taking his head away from mine.

"Yes there is, Rei." His voice was no louder than my own as he shut his eyes tight. "There's something been wrong for a very long time." That confused me. The look on his face was so intense, even though his eyes were shut.

"What are you talking about?" He sighed and looked back at me, wine eyes nearly overflowing with emotion.

"I don't know how to say this, Rei, but... I think I love you." My breath caught in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. Did he really mean it, or was he just fooling around? Was he trying to make an idiot out of me? Did he already know how I felt? My thoughts scrambled again. I couldn't speak, my vocal chords were paralysed, along with the rest of my body, and what if he really _was_ trying to embarrass me? Was he just looking for an excuse to laugh in my face?

He let go of my chin and let go of me, taking a step backwards. I had never seen the boy—no, man, look so venerable. He sighed and started walking back towards the door.

"I'm sorry. I-- I just couldn't keep it bottled up any longer." I suddenly regained control of my limbs and caught his wrist before he turned the door handle.

"Who said you need to be sorry?" His eyes widened almost imperceptibly as he turned to look at me, those cherry orbs burning with an unspoken question. I attempted a reassuring smile, and I think I succeeded, because before I knew it I was swept into his arms, his lips pressed firmly to mine.

That was how it came about. Our first kiss, and there had definitely been something about it that wasn't in Mariah's. 

We kept meeting in private and at nights for a few months after that, as I hadn't managed to get a hold of Mariah to clear things up. The moment I got within fifty miles of home, I called. I told her I couldn't go on like this, that I didn't love her anymore-- not that I ever had-- and that I was in love with someone else. She started yelling at me, asking how I could ruin all of our plans just like that. I never bothered to mention to her that we had never _made_ any plans in the first place. She screamed down the handset, causing me to hold the phone an inch away from my ear. I softly muttered apologies when she had calmed down, saying that it was better this way. I felt my chest tighten slightly as I heard the hurt in her voice, she had always been one of my best friends, after all. I had never really liked her in that way, though.

I felt a hand clasp my shoulder as I set the handset down on the receiver. I turned and smiled into those eyes. Gods, those eyes. They were made of the finest wine, the bittersweet taste that could get me drunk in an instant. I felt my lips curve into a grin. No more sneaking around, no more hiding. I pressed a chaste kiss to his lips and let my arms slide around his neck.

"It's done." Two words that bound us together completely. Our bodies were crushed together as our frenzied kiss continued. Somehow, we managed to make our way to the bed and rid ourselves of our clothes. I don't know how we managed-- everything was a blur of joy and passion and completion and _rightness_. That was when I claimed him, and I was free to call this act whatever I wanted. Fucking: I lost count of the number of times he moaned for me to do that to him. Those impassioned, beautiful obscenities that poured forth from those soft, red lips nearly drove me crazy. Love making: Oh, gods! How much I wanted to scream those words to the heavens 'I made love to Kai Hiwatari and loved every fucking second of it!' I loved him, and I knew it and, more importantly, I _felt_ it. Sex: Of course, and what sex it was. Delicate; strong; stubborn; frenzied; slow; passionate… the ultimate oxymoron, just like he was. 

Now I know that we were meant to be. We've endured a lot together, from betrayal to lust to hurt to redemption. We managed to stick together through it, even if we weren't as close as we are now, it still meant more than anything I had done with Mariah had. 

We stay together through obstacles every day, whether it be fangirls screaming and fainting wherever we went, or people shouting abuse at us as we walked down the street holding hands. We simply smile and walk on through it all.

All in all, I don't know how I ever survived without him. Yes, sometimes he can be cruel, but that's just in his nature, the fault of his upbringing, but he always manages to overcome that problem, merely by wishing it wasn't there.

It seems to work for him, then, too. So tell me, am I the only one able withstand the placebo effect? 

***

A/N: *Weak smile* So… there we go. All done. Please tell me what you think! We authors live on reviews and when we don't get them we sometimes slip into mild depression and writers block. So review (all breeds are welcome), and constructive criticism is always welcomed with open arms! So don't delay! Just click 'submit review'. Please?

Stigma


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